I am not…I repeat…I am not a meditation guru. I am sure that my lotus pose looks more like a dandelion in distress. That’s the great thing about meditation-you don’t have to be an expert to get started. You simply need to unplug. Here is the story of my meditation:
I was forced to breathe in the fact that my life was a bit of a mess when I lost my job. I have come to call this event my Universal rescue. Since I chose to ignore all of the little warning signs along the way, the Divine Universe finally said enough is enough! It took away the one area of my life where I was doing a phenomenal job at the expense of everything else. There was no room for a romantic relationship and my children needed more mommy and less roommate. Most of all, there was no room for me within my own life.
Once I finished crying and wallowing in self-pity, I had to sit up and look around (in a lot of different directions), but let’s just start with my physical environment. My beautiful apartment was buried underneath complete chaos! Clothes were everywhere… on the floor, on the bed, in the hallway, on the couches…everywhere except where they belonged. I slept in my bed with clothes piles, laptops (two or three), pens, pencils, shoes, papers, food, utensils, bowls and whatever else I didn’t put away. My closet was full of clothes and shoes that were too big or too small or that I never got around to wearing at all. On the other side of the closet were my project materials…plaster of Paris, boards, wood, pallets, paint… just stuff that I had accumulated and planned to use for projects but never got around to actually creating anything.
My health was another issue that I had to unpack. This one was tricky because I was in great physical shape having just lost 20 pounds and my energy level was way up. My diet was great and I exercised 5 out of 7 days of the week, yet every single month I had some type of new health crisis. I had these crazy skin breakouts every month that created ulcers on different areas of my face and arms. I had to have a tooth pulled due to immense pain and infection and I would get crippling pain in my back that landed me in bed for an entire day. During these times, I also became extremely frustrated and angry for no apparent reason.
Of course, issues of this magnitude do not happen over the course of a few weeks or even months. Once I was forced to look at the bigger picture, I was able to see how this had been coming for years. The only thing that I knew to do was to keep going- despite my absolute physical exhaustion and mental fatigue, despite depression and frequent suicidal thoughts, despite complete disconnection from any sustained life enjoyment, I just kept going because it was the only thing I knew to do.
People often say you have not because you ask not– but what happens to the person that is so entrenched in the everyday quick-sand of life that they do not even know what to ask for anymore? Do you just cup your hands around your mouth, look down at them and yell “why don’t you just ask for help?” Seriously, they are literally sinking!
Unfortunately, sometimes we are all caught in our own personal quick-sand and forget to be compassionate to our fellow man; thankfully the Universe comes to our rescue. I am eternally grateful for my Universal rescue- as you can see it likely saved my life. The rescue was painful and scary, but most rescues are. I was forced to just close my eyes and ride in the arms of the Divine Universe- and in closing my eyes I re-discovered meditation. It is the only place to go when you’re scared and anxious and out of control. We see it all the time when people ride rollercoasters- you’re up there now, there is nothing that you can do but close your eyes and go with it. I returned to the source, which gives me comfort and balance. It reconnects me to my passion and to my truth. I am grateful for this roller-coaster ride and I have even learned to ride with my eyes opened, to take deep and cleansing breaths and to look at the beautiful scenery around me. Soon the anxiousness turned to exhilaration- it turned into freedom and power.
I am not sure where I am on this ride, but it does not even matter. I just proceed with love. I have fallen in love with myself for the first time and it feels amazing. I am discovering my passions in life with newfound joy and energy. My apartment is as clean as a whistle because I love myself and I deserve to live in a clean and organized environment. My bed is made every morning because I now honor my comfortable and warm place to rest each night. My monthly ailments have vanished completely. My creativity and ideas flow like rivers.
This is life- this is love. Each day, I close my eyes and tuck myself into the safety of the Divine Universe. I take a deep breath and I open the eyes of my soul. This is my meditation and it is Essential. Namaste.